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"The Santa in the Slush"

Episode 3x10

Written by: Elizabeth Benjamin & Scott Williams

Directed by: Jeff Woolnough

Transcribed by: traciepwns

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Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Hart Hanson, all rights reserved. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Hart Hanson or Fox.

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TEASER

 

(Open: Two mall elves are walking out – behind the mall – to take a break.)

 

LITTLE ELF: Oh, god. I can't deal with any more kids poking at me.

 

TEENAGE ELF: Ha. At least you got the kids, I get their dads. Letches all want me to sit on their laps.

 

LITTLE ELF: I don't much care for the way Santa's gawking at you either. (the teenage elf lights up a cigarette) Don't do that . You're too pretty to smoke.

 

TEENAGE ELF: Next you're gonna tell me it'll stunt my growth.

 

LITTLE ELF: Be nice, now. It's Christmas.

 

(The teenage elf notices a smell in the air)

 

TEENAGE ELF: What's that smell?

 

LITTLE ELF: What do ya want? It's the back of the mall.

 

TEENAGE ELF: I have a very sensitive nose.

 

LITTLE ELF: Don't walk – why are you walking? Let's just sit.

 

TEENAGE ELF: It's coming from over here. (the both head towards towards the source of the smell) There's something...

 

LITTLE ELF: Probably old hot dogs or a dead cat. (The teenage elf leans over to pick up a plastic bag off the grate) No, no no. Don't touch. Let me.

 

(She grabs a stick and pokes the bag with it – moving if off the grate. They both look down the grate and see a dad body – dressed in a Santa outfit – the two scream and run back into the mall.)

 

(Cut to: Prison – Visitors room – early evening. Brennan is visiting her dad in jail)

 

MAX: Jails not too bad. I get meals with your brother. We go out on these work details together. You haven't asked me why I'm strapped in these chains.

 

BRENNAN: Well, you're in jail.

 

MAX: No. I'm in dress rehearsal for A Christmas Carol.

 

BRENNAN: You're Jacob Marley?

 

MAX: I wanted to be Scrooge, but some triple homicide in cell block H got the part. You don't want to know how. (Brennan laughs.) What are you gonna do for Christmas?

 

BRENNAN: I'm doing what I always do. I'm going on a trip.

 

MAX: New York?

 

BRENNAN: Peru. National Geographic found a new step pyramid, an ancient ceremonial site known as El Bruho. 1500 year old skeletons. Part of a very mysterious culture called The Moche.

 

MAX: Well, unless they're elves, that's not very Christmassy.

 

BRENNAN: No. They aren't elves.

 

MAX: You know what I'd like? I'd like to spend another Christmas with – with kids. With a family, with a tree.

 

BRENNAN: You're in jail, dad. So is Russ. Mom's dead.

 

MAX: Yeah. Yeah. And – and Christmas is overrated anyway. People expect it to be so perfect, it never is.

 

BRENNAN: I'm really looking forward to the skeletons in El Bruho.

 

MAX: Yeah, but Christmas and skeletons - do not go together.

 

BRENNAN: I remember the Christmas you and mom gave me the toolbox. That was great.

 

MAX: Yeah. Except that the, uh, toolbox was for Russ but you decided that it was yours and he let you have it.

 

BRENNAN: He did? Oh. (they laugh and then Brennan's phone rings and she checks the text message)

 

MAX: I hope someday that, uh, we can all have Christmas together again.

 

BRENNAN: I doubt it, Dad.

 

MAX: Well, lie to me! I – I can pretend.

 

BRENNNA: I've gotta go look at a dead person.

 

MAX: Well, you never were good at sugar coating anything.

 

(She gets up and leaves)

 

(Cut to: Booth's car – night.)

 

BOOTH: You got that sad little girl look on your face after you've been with your dad.

 

BRENNAN: (whiny) No I don't....(Booth gives her a knowing look.) He wishes we could spend Christmas together with Russ.

 

BOOTH: Well, do it.

 

BRENNAN: They're both in jail. It's impossible. What are your plans?

 

BOOTH: I'm thinking about driving the truck right off the bridge. Oh, I'm being melodramatic and self pitying.

 

BRENNAN: You love Christmas.

 

BOOTH: I love it – you know – when I have Parker. But this year he's going skiing in Vermont with Rebecca and Captain Fantastic.

 

BRENNAN: Who's Captain Fantastic?

 

BOOTH: Ah, it's her boyfriend. Commands a Coastguard cutter.

 

BRENNAN: His last name isn't literally “Fantastic”, is it?

 

BOOTH: Might as well be. You know they have a trailer at the jail, mostly for conjugal visits.

 

BRENNAN: Captain Fantastic is in jail?

 

BOOTH: No. You're dad. You can give him what he wants for Christmas. Pull a few strings.

 

BRENNAN: I'm not a string puller.

 

BOOTH: I've seen you pull some strings.

 

BRENNAN: My father is a murder and a thief.

 

BOOTH: Well, murders and thief's, they get Christmas too. In fact, it's kinda the point.

 

BRENNAN: Well, I have other plans.

 

BOOTH: Well, whatever they are, skeletons and Christmas do not mix.

 

BRENNAN: That's exactly what my father said. Where are we going?

 

BOOTH: Early Christmas present for you, Bones. Dead guy in a sewer.

 

(Cut to: Back of a mall – outside. Booth and Brennan approach the crime scene.)

 

BOOTH: It's cold enough as it is, let's get this done here. (Cam shines a flash light on the victim) Great. Had to be Santa.

 

CAM: You'd think someone who could squeeze up and down chimneys would find the sewer a snap.

 

BRENNAN: Rats got to him.

 

CAM: The huge bacterial count and unseasonably warm weather, explains why the rats found him so digestible.

 

BOOTH: He was washed down through the sewer system. I mean, look at all the stuff that's around him.

 

BRENNAN: Uphill is - that way.

 

CAM: Busiest shopping district during the busiest shopping season.

 

BRENNAN: Maybe he worked up there.

 

BOOTH: Or he was pushed out of a low flying sleigh...

 

CAM: Cynicism from you at Christmas? What happened.

 

BOOTH: Nothing.

 

BRENNAN: Rebecca's taking Parker to Vermont for the holidays.

 

CAM: That sucks, majorly.

 

BOOTH: It does suck majorly, so what do you say we just get back to our dead Santa here.

 

BRENNAN: It's not Santa, Booth. He's a dead man in a costume.

 

CAM: Well, the beard looks real and he's pretty fat.

 

BRENNAN: Which doesn't make him Santa.

 

CAM: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

 

BOOTH: Aw, three days before Christmas and somebody kills Santa.

 

ACT I

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Forensics Platform. Cam & Zack are examining the body)

 

CAM: We'll send his gloves to the FBI Crime Lab, see if they can get any finger prints from the inside.

 

ZACK: Damage here on the left side of the skull, suggests a strong blow to the left temporal bone.

 

CAM: So Santa was definitely murdered. Someone did not like their present.

 

HODGINS: There's copious insect activity from the sewer.

 

ZACK: I'm intrigued that the Santa myth survived so far into modern times.

 

CAM: Children, Dr. Addy. It's for children.

 

HODGINS: These duds, are not department store issue. That is real ermine. That's a hand tailored suit.

 

CAM: Which I'd like to get off of him after you two finish your scraping and – not that that isn't all very, very important.

 

ZACK: What Santa is suppose to do is clearly impossible.

 

HODGINS: He keeps a list. Checks it twice. What's the big deal?

 

ZACK: You take into account all believers of the myth, factor in time zone, rotation of the earth and assume Santa travels East to West, he would have to approximately make 822.6 visits per second to reach every child.

 

HODGINS: So Santa parks his sleigh, unloads presents, fills stockings, eats snacks, gets back into his sleigh and onto the next house in about 1/1000th of a second?

 

ZACK: Children have to be stupid to accept that.

 

CAM: Okay, first of all – children are not stupid, they're just children. Second, Santa – is magic. Let's identify the victim, shall we?

 

ZACK: There's an ellipsoid aperture in the mandibular left canine and first premolar. Consistent with pipe smoking.

 

(Hodgins pulls up a picture of Santa Claus on the monitor)

 

HODGINS: Mhmm? Plus traces of residue on the canine - could this be clay?

 

ZACK: Santa is often portrayed smoking a clay pipe.

 

CAM: Alright, alright. Very funny, boys.

 

HODGINS: Come on. Where's your holiday spirit? (He shakes some jingle bells at Cam)

 

CAM: Based on the degree of bloating and purged fluids, I'd estimate time of death between 72 and 96 hours ago. Check the sewer sledge and bugs, give me confirmation.

 

HODGINS: Phorid fly maggots, third instar and the appear to have been well fed as well. Santa was around some other food source before he died. My bets on milk and cookies.

 

CAM: This is not “Miracle on 34th Street”.

 

ZACK: We're not saying this is actually Santa Claus. We're merely anatomizing the evidence.

 

(Angela enters)

 

ANGELA: Okay, it's still rough, but – (she turns over her sketch and smiles. It's a sketch of Santa Claus.) this might help.

 

(Cut to: Prison – Visitors room – early evening. Brennan is visiting Russ.)

 

BRENNAN: Dad wants to spend Christmas with family.

 

RUSS: So how you gonna arrange it? Bust me and dad out?

 

BRENNAN: There are trailers for conjugal visits – you might be able to use one of those. And I talked to Amy and she said she could bring the girls down to see you.

 

(Russ leans back, upset)

 

RUSS: You shouldn't have done that.

 

BRENNAN: Amy said the girls have been asking about you...

 

RUSS: I lied to them, Tempe. The girls don't even know I'm in here. They think I went overseas to work.

 

BRENNAN: You're deserting them, just like dad.

 

RUSS: You think it would be better for them to find out that the guy they think is so wonderful, is actually a criminal?

 

BRENNAN: When I found out that dad was not dead I was happy, even though it turned out that he was -

 

RUSS: A murderer.

 

BRENNAN: You are not a murderer, Russ.

 

RUSS: It doesn't sound like a good Christmas present to me.

 

BRENNAN: You could explain it-

 

RUSS: No, Tempe. It's not gonna happen.

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Brennan enters her office to find Booth, asleep on the couch.)

 

BRENNAN: Can't you sleep on your own couch?

 

BOOTH: (still half asleep) Sheesh. Just waiting for the squints to find out something. (he sits up a bit) How did it go with Russ?

 

BRENNAN: He says he doesn't want the girls to come.

 

BOOTH: Your dad, he wants the whole Christmas package. You know - the tree, the kids, the presents – the whole shebang.

 

BRENNAN: Well, the whole shebang isn't possible.

 

BOOTH: Christmas – is about making the impossible happen.

 

BRENNAN: You mean like you spending Christmas with Parker.

 

BOOTH: Okay, you know what? That hurt. Wake me up when the, uh, squint squad finds out something.

 

(He turns back over on his side and goes back to sleep)

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Forensics Platform.)

 

ZACK: Victim appears to have odd shaped remodeling on his sacrum with a sclerotic margin around the injury.

 

HODGINS: Some kind of old injury?

 

ZACK: Two small indentations, here (he points to the screen) consistent with trauma from impact with some sort of cloven hoof.

 

HODGINS: Cloven like...a reindeer?

 

(Angela approaches them from behind)

 

HODGINS: Oh, thank god your here. This is so wasted on me alone.

 

ZACK: Evidence is evidence, whether anyone is there to hear it or not.

 

HODGINS: (to Angela) Our victim - was kick by a reindeer.

 

ANGELA: Oh. Get the HELL outta here.

 

ZACK: (points to the screen again) The sacrum.

 

ANGELA: Wait. The evidence actually adds up to an old, fat man with a white beard, in a custom made Santa suit who smoked a clay pipe and got kicked in the ass by a reindeer?

 

(They all turn to look at the body covered by a sheet as Cam enters the platform)

 

CAM: FBI lab got partial prints off the gloves and AFIS found a possible match. Apparently, our victim worked for the school board.

 

HODGINS: He was a teacher?

 

CAM: No. He was a Santa Claus.

 

ANGELA: A – Santa Claus?

 

HODGINS: Or THE Santa Claus?

 

(Cams hands the folder over to Zack.)

 

CAM: Check out his name.

 

ZACK: Kristopher Kringle.

 

CAM: According to AFIS, it's his legal name.

 

(Cut to: Booth and Brennan crossing a street – day.)

 

BRENNAN: Well, there's the old Dutch Cinter Claus.

 

BOOTH: (he grabs Brennan's arm) Watch out.

 

BRENNAN: I'm looking!

 

BOOTH: You're gonna get hit by a car.

 

BRENNAN: He had a partner, named Black Peter, who carried a whip to beat naughty children. Myths are traditionally used to control behavior. For instance, the story of Moses bringing the Ten Commandments-

 

BOOTH: Wait, you're equating Moses to Santa.

 

BRENNAN: Well, Santa's usually considered more jolly, but basically-

 

BOOTH: Okay, great. We're looking for 223 Hudson.

 

BRENNAN: I'm sorry you can't be with Parker, Booth.

 

BOOTH: What are ya gonna do, right? He's gotta face the facts sometime-

 

BRENNAN: No, but she shouldn't take him away. Not at Christmas. Not the way he feels about you.

 

BOOTH: Oh. My. God.

 

BRENNAN: What?

 

(The find the address they were looking for – it's a toy store names Big Top Toy Shoppe)

 

BOOTH: He lives in a toy store!

 

BRENNAN: Oh!

 

(Booth starts laughing as they enter.)

 

(Cut to: Kristopher Kringle's apartment. Booth and Brennan enter the dark apartment.)

 

BRENNAN: Watch out for reindeer...

 

BOOTH: Yeah, really funny.

 

(Booth flips on the light switch and the room comes alive. It's practically a Christmas Wonderland. “Holly Jolly Christmas” starts playing, the room is painted red and there are Christmas lights all over. There is also huge train track that encompasses almost the entire room. Booth and Brennan just look at the room, amazed.)

 

BOOTH: Wow, Parker would love this place. (Booth goes to check out the train) Look at this! Gingerbread, it's go the train.

 

(Meanwhile, Brennan goes to check out the refrigerator and finds it stocked with milk, carrots and cookies.)

 

BOOTH: (still by the train) Look at this!

 

BRENNAN: Booth.

 

BOOTH: Yeah?

 

BRENNAN: (picks up a picture frame with a picture of “Santa” and a reindeer and shows Booth) This might explain the reindeer kick to Kringle's sacrum.

 

(Booth goes off to look around some more and comes across a closet. He opens it to find it full of santa garb)

 

BOOTH: Ha.You gotta be kidding me. Bones! Look at this. (he pulls out a pair of pajama bottoms with santa clauses on them) Wow! This guy was committed.

 

BRENNAN: He should have been.

 

(Booth whistles and closes the closet then starts rifling through the draws, which are also filled with santa garb. Brennan looks around the apartment at all the picture – which are Kringle dressed as Santa. Eventually, Booth comes across a false bottom in one of the drawers.)

 

BOOTH: (knocks on it) Hey Bones? Check this out. Hidden compartment. (He opens it, only to find a draw full of cash – thousands of dollars.) Looks like Santa was planning on buying a lot of toys.

 

ACT II

 

(Cut to: Kristopher Kringle's apartment. More FBI Agents have arrived and are collecting evidence. Ralph Harley, the landlord, enters.)

 

RALPH: Kris rented this place from me for six years.

 

BRENNAN: Do you know where he lived before that?

 

BOOTH: Well, actually Bones, that wasn't my first question.

 

RALPH: He wrote his previous address on the lease.

 

(Brennan takes the lease from him and looks at it.)

 

BRENNAN: North Pole?

 

BOOTH: Aw, come on with that.

 

BRENNAN: See? It turned out to be a good question!

 

BOOTH: You actually accepted that address?

 

RALPH: Are you kidding? How many guys want to live above a toy store? It's noisy. And Kris gave me first and last months rent, upfront, in cash.

 

BRENNAN: Kris Kringle. From the North Pole. Lives above a toy store – This is further evidence that our victim, is indeed, the mythic figure known as Santa Claus.

 

BOOTH: Mythic. Coming from the Latin, “Myth”, meaning “doesn't actually exist”.

 

BRENNAN: No. From the Greek, “Mythos”, meaning “word”

 

(At the same time)

 

BOOTH: He does not-

BRENNAN: This right here-

 

(They both stop when they realize that Ralph is still there, amused at their bickering.)

 

BOOTH: What can you tell us about Mr. Kringle's personal finances.

 

RALPH: Like I said, he always paid cash.

 

BRENNAN: Where did he work?

 

RALPH: Uh, employment agency called “Temp Time”. On 7th, by the Convention Center.

 

BOOTH: Ha! Couldn't have been Santa!

 

BRENNAN: Why?

 

BOOTH: Because Santa wouldn't have worked at a temp agency!

 

BRENNAN: Well, why not? His work is seasonal-

 

BOOTH: Because he would - (Ralph just stares at them again and they stop bickering.) Kringle pay his rent on time?

 

RALPH: Always, at least until the last couple of months.

 

BOOTH: Really? Because, ya know what, obviously he wasn't short on funds with all the money we found in the secret compartment of his drawer. (He points out the wad of cash sticking out from the drawer to Ralph)

 

RALPH: Son of a bitch! $1200 of that is mine.

 

BRENNAN: All of this is rumpled small bills, except for these (she holds up a bag of $50's) eight $50 bills.

 

BOOTH: Brand new with sequential serial numbers.

 

RALPH: I don't know about any of this.

 

BOOTH: Alright, look. Whoa, whoa. Did you, uh, guys have some kind of a disagreement? Is that why he was holding out on you?

 

RALPH: No. No. No. Maybe, Kris gave me some ideas on a toy, which i patented and...

 

BRENNAN: It sold?

 

RALPH: Somebody took a picture of TomKat's kid with it so, it sorta took off.

 

BOOTH: Wow. Kringle could have sued you for a chunk of that cash.

 

RALPH: He never actually told me he wanted a cut. Maybe, he just stopped paying his rent.

 

(Cut to: Booth's car – Day.)

 

BRENNAN: Thinking of Parker?

 

BOOTH: No. Thinking about your dad?

 

BRENNAN: No. Russ.

 

BOOTH: Well, you can't blame him for not wanting those girls to know the truth.

 

BRENNAN: He's living a lie. You'd never do that.

 

BOOTH: Well, not never. I mean, I – I lie to Parker – especially this time of year.

 

BRENNAN: What about?

 

BOOTH: Tell him that Santa's coming.

 

BRENNAN: Really?

 

BOOTH: It's Santa Claus!

 

BRENNAN: Santa myth is based on blackmail- Be good or you won't get any presents.

 

BOOTH: No. It's not a LIE lie, Bones. It's more like everybody agreeing that up to a certain age, kids deserve to live a different kind of truth.

 

BRENNAN: Okay, by that reasoning, what we should do is figure out a lie Russ could tell the girls so they wouldn't know he's in jail.

 

BOOTH: That is a brilliant Christmas idea.

 

BRENNAN: It was intended to be a scathing and incisive comment.

 

BOOTH: Give Russ civvies. The girls think he's flown in specially to visit his father in jail at Christmas.

 

BRENNAN: Where would you say he's been?

 

BOOTH: Building a bridge in Addis Ababa.

 

BRENNAN: Addis Ababa is the land locked capital of Ethiopia.

 

BOOTH: Fine, Bones. You know what? Just make up your own lie.

 

BRENNAN: I don't believe in lying to children.

 

BOOTH: You just want to go to Peru without feeling guilty, alright.

 

BRENNAN: You need to accept that you won't have Parker this Christmas.

 

BOOTH: I am not enjoying this holiday season, at all.

 

BRENNAN: Yeah, well, neither am I.

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Exam Room)

 

ZACK: The shadow on the x ray is a slight depression of the outer endocranial table. Fractures levered inward. There are no signs of remodeling.

 

(Zack brings up the depression on the screen to show Cam)

 

CAM: (going over to the screen) This staining suggests that his superficial temporal artery was punctured.

 

ZACK: Very likely the cause of death.

 

CAM: So Santa was conked on the head. Question is, with what?

 

ZACK: I'll run it under the scanning electron microscope.

 

CAM: So, what are you doing for Christmas.

 

ZACK: Going home to Michigan. What about you?

 

CAM: Family cruise.

 

ZACK: Sounds nice.

 

CAM: You'd think so. Let me know what you find.

 

(Cut to: Temp Time Employment Agency. Brennan and Booth are questioning Dale Owens, the owner)

 

DALE: Kris is dead?

 

BOOTH: 'fraid so.

 

DALE: Man. I had a bad feeling something was wrong. I mean, it's not like Kris to miss work. Especially not this time of year. I called him a hundred times-

 

BRENNAN: Twelve. Twelve times. We listened to his answering machine.

 

BOOTH: Ya know, there are a lot of Santa's here.

 

DALE: Yeah, but Kris was my numero uno. I mean, all the guys knew that here. In fact, if it wasn't him, I never would have thought about getting into the Santa business. Christmas is not gonna be the same without Kris Kringle.

 

BRENNAN: Anthropologically, what exactly would it mean to be 'numero uno' Santa Claus?

 

DALE: Well, Kris got the best gigs.

 

BOOTH: Any of the other Santa's – they get jealous?

 

DALE: Jealous enough to kill? Come on.

 

(One of the Santa's interjects.)

 

SANTA JEFF: Is this about Kris? Did something happen to him?

 

BOOTH: And who are you? (he pulls the Santa's beard down)

 

SANTA JEFF: I'm Jeff Mantell. What happened to Kris?

 

BOOTH: Kris was murdered.

 

(Santa Jeff turns to the other Santa's)

 

SANTA JEFF: Everybody! The dead Santa on the news? It was Kris.

 

(There are rumbles of disbelief from the other Santa's as they get up and gather around him and Booth & Brennan.)

 

BOOTH: What can you tell me about Kris?

 

SANTA JEFF: Kris made a guy proud to wear the uniform.

 

Random Santa: Sure did.

 

DALE: That's the truth.

 

SANTA FRED: Was – was Kris murdered?

 

BOOTH: Um, all the Santa's just need to take a step back.

 

SANTA FRED: Any help you need guy, any – anything at all.

 

BRENNAN: Why are you limping?

 

SANTA FRED: Oh, my shins. You wanna see them (he starts to lean down to pull up his pant leg)

 

BRENNAN: No- why would I want to see your shins?

 

SANTA FRED: Well, Children get to a certain age and they think it's hilarious to kick Santa in the shins.

 

(The other Santa's mumble in agreement)

 

BOOTH: Alright, I'd like to talk to anyone who knew Kris personally.

 

SANTA JEFF: I only met Kris at the diner down the street a couple of weeks ago.

 

BOOTH: Okay. Whoever smells like the wet sweater really needs to take a step back.

 

SANTA JEFF: I was out of work, late on my alimony and the man saved me. He got me this job.

 

SANTA LARRY: Sad buy familiar tale with Kris.

 

DALE: Typical Kris, always looking to help out.

 

RANDOM SANTA: He was a saint.

 

BOOTH: Anybody know of any trouble-

 

BRENNAN: Arguments..

 

BOOTH: Differences of opinion.

 

SANTA JEFF: I can't even imagine that.

 

SANTA FRED: The man was truly, sincerely, jolly.

 

BOOTH: We couldn't find a record of his bank account.

 

DALE: Oh, well I – I cashed Kris's checks.

 

BRENNAN: What would Mr. Kringle do during the three other seasons?

 

DALE: Well, Kris was my only full time temp Santa. You know, sometimes for the odd ad campaigns who needed a Santa: Car dealerships, Ice Cream Parlors.

 

SANTA FRED: Sometimes hospitals had “Christmas in July”.

 

DALE: Ironically, the only night Kris wouldn't work was Christmas Eve.

 

SANTA LARRY: His Special night.

 

SANTA JEFF: His night to deliver toys and goodies around the world.

 

DALE: (chuckles) We'd always tease him about that.

 

SANTA FRED: He never denied it.

 

(All the Santa's chuckle. Booth looks at Brennan, with an expression of disbelief.)

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Hodgins desk)

 

HODGINS: Maggots in dead Santa's collar – fed on high concentrations of non-sulfated chondroitin glycosaminal glycans and antecedal neuraminic acid.

 

CAM: This is why Booth hates talking to you.

 

HODGINS: It's the regurgitated saliva of male Aerodramus fuciphagus. Wait. Booth hates talking to me?

 

CAM: Not you specifically, lab people. What's, uh, Aerodramus fuciphagus?

 

HODGINS: Main ingredient in bird's nest soup. It's a rare Chinese delicacy, made from the nest of swiftlets. It's more like bird spit soup if you ask me.

 

CAM: So our victim was in China?

 

HODGINS: I'm thinking China TOWN - is more likely - but I also found similar traces of the same stuff on the back of Santa's pants. Mostly on the rear end.

 

CAM: He sat in it.

 

HODGINS: Yeah. Let's hope that's how that got there.

 

CAM: How common is this dish?

 

HODGINS: A single kilogram of White swiflet nest, costs two grand.

 

CAM: Let's see who makes it here in DC.

 

HODGINS: Done and done.

 

(Cut to: Booth's car. Brennan is looking at her phone.)

 

BOOTH: These people all seem pretty upset to have lost one of their own. I mean, they keep referring to the uniform like soldiers or cops.

 

BRENNAN: (reading a text message) According to Hodgins, Kris Kringle was probably killed in or near a restaurant called, Cum Jeung Huen, up on Chinatown.

 

BOOTH: Oh, come on. How did he figure that out?

 

BRENNAN: Do you really want to know?

 

BOOTH: You tell me.

 

BRENNAN: No, you don't.

 

BOOTH: I'm gonna trust you on that.

 

BRENNAN: If you don't mind, I have a meeting with Caroline Julian at your office in ten minutes.

 

BOOTH: Is this about the trailer for your dad's Christmas?

 

BRENNAN: You think she'll help?

 

BOOTH: Well, you know. Caroline's a lawyer, she'll help but she'll ask you to do something in return.

 

BRENNAN: That's fair.

 

BOOTH: Yeah, hold that thought.

 

(Cut to: FBI. Brennan and Caroline are in the kitchen area. Caroline is getting a cup of coffee.)

 

CAROLINE: I thought you were going to Brazil for Christmas.

 

BRENNAN: Peru.

 

CAROLINE: Whatever. South of the equator. Doin' bone things with bone people. (She motions for Brennan to grab her a stirrer as they start to head towards the elevator.)

 

BRENNAN: I check with the at the jail and for my father to get the conjugal trailer, the prosecutor in charge of his case has to submit a written recommendation.

 

CAROLINE: Uh, huh.

 

BRENNAN: You're the prosecutor in charge of his case.

 

CAROLINE: I'm aware of that. Thank you, Dr. Brennan.

 

(She takes a sip of coffee and realizes it's missing something, so she heads back towards the kitchen again)

 

BRENNAN: So, will you?

 

CAROLINE: You going to Brazil and all, what's the use of Max being in that conjugal trailer all by himself.

 

BRENNAN: Well, I'm trying to persuade my brother to celebrate Christmas with his family in there too.

 

(They arrive back in the kitchen)

 

CAROLINE: A Yule tide gathering of the Brennan criminal element. (she adds sugar to her coffee) What do you mean, 'trying'.

 

BRENNAN: Russ doesn't want his step-daughters to know that he's in jail.

 

CAROLINE: How do you persuade them otherwise if they're actually having Christmas in the jail.

(They had back towards the elevators again)

 

BRENNAN: One other thing. The Warden says no Christmas Tree.

 

CAROLINE: That's right. Three years ago, somebody made a shiv out of the star. Now no trees or ornaments of any kind.

 

BRENNAN: Isn't' that a little dreary.

 

CAROLINE: Hey. Don't kill people, don't get sent to prison, have a Christmas pageant in your own home every year.

 

(Brennan presses the button for the elevator)

 

BRENNAN: So, will you?

 

CAROLINE: (takes a sip of her coffee and realizes that it still tastes bad) Oh. (she turns around and heads towards the kitchen yet again) I will.

 

BRENNAN: You will? Thank you.

 

CAROLINE: On one condition.

 

BRENNAN: Booth said you'd say that.

 

CAROLINE: Did he say I’d ask you to kiss him?

 

BRENNAN: (laughs) No. (then realizing that maybe she isn't kidding) Well, are you?

 

CAROLINE: No cheeks. No noses. Right on the lips.

 

BRENNAN: People kiss people on the nose?

 

CAROLINE: I want you to kiss him - under some mistletoe.

 

(She puts her coffee cup in the microwave to heat it up)

 

BRENNAN: (laughs nervously) Kiss Booth?

 

CAROLINE: That’s right, cherie.

 

BRENNAN: Why?

 

CAROLINE: Because it will amuse me.

 

BRENNAN: Why?

 

CAROLINE: Because you’re all “Dr. Brennan” and “Special Agent Seeley Booth” and it’s Christmas and I have a puckish side that will not be denied.

 

BRENNAN: Puckish?

 

CAROLINE: What’s the matter? You don’t think I can be puckish?

 

BRENNAN: Well, I never thought about it until now.

 

(Caroline takes her coffee out of the microwave and starts heading out to the elevator, again.)

 

CAROLINE: You want me to write that letter, you kiss Booth, on the lips, for no less than - (counting on her fingers) one steamboat, two steamboats… five steamboats.

 

BRENNAN: That’s blackmail.

 

CAROLINE: That’s correct.

 

BRENNAN: That’s unethical.

 

CAROLINE: That’s the deal, take it or leave it.

 

BRENNAN: What about a tree?

 

CAROLINE: No Christmas tree. No way. Not even if you squeeze his buttocks.

 

(They arrive back at the elevator and Brennan pushes the button again.)

 

BRENNAN: Well, I don't know. Can I just - take you out to dinner sometime?

 

CAROLINE: You kiss Seeley Booth, on the lips, and I'll make sure your daddy has his dream Christmas – no tree mind you – but otherwise as good as an accused murder can expect.

 

(She takes a sip of coffee and realizes it's still terrible and hands it to Brennan before getting into the elevator. Leaving Brennan to contemplate her offer.)

 

ACT III

 

(Cut to: Alley behind the Chinese restaurant. Booth is talking to one of the workers.)

 

BOOTH: (holding up a picture of Kris Kringle in a Santa suit) Look, you ever see this man before?

 

CHINESE WAITER: Santa Claus?

 

BOOTH: No...this isn't actually Santa Claus. The guy that's wearing the Santa outfit in this picture – have you ever seen him?

 

CHINESE WAITER: Can I see your ID again please?

 

(Starts to pull out his ID as Hodgins appears, coming out of the dumpster.)

 

HODGINS: Booth.

 

BOOTH: What?

 

HODGINS: Your kid like roaches? (he holds up a roach) Gromphadorhina, man. Hissing roach. Hey, grab me this container? This is a great pet, man. (Booth picks up the contain and Hodgins puts the roach in.) Perfect Christmas gift..

 

BOOTH: What, no. Did you find the Bird's Nest maggots yet?

 

HODGINS: No. Not yet, I'm still looking. (he goes back down into the dumpster.)

 

CHINESE WAITER: Okay, I'm calling the cops.

 

BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pal. Hey, I am the cops, alright. Any, uh, fights out here back here in the alley in the past four days?

 

CHINESE WAITER: No, I - I don't come out here since I quit smoking. It stinks.

 

HODGINS: (from inside the dumpster) It's the cycle of life, my friend. Quite beautiful if you get into it.

 

BOOTH: (laughs) Is it. (then, to the waiter) Okay, you go back inside but tell the rest of your staff I'll be in in a few minutes to ask them some questions.

 

(The Chinese waiter mutters something in Chinese)

 

BOOTH: (holding up the roach in the jar) Hey pal, you better hope I don't report this to the health department.

 

HODGINS: (from inside the dumpster) Paydirt! (he comes out of the dumpster with a Chinese food container) Fannia, Musca and Phoridae and these are the exact maggots I found on Kringle's suit. This means this is where he was killed.

 

BOOTH: So if here was killed here.. then he was probably (he goes to the other side of the alley) – dragged over here. To this grate (he lifts the grate) and dumped down this sewer.

 

HODGINS: (from inside the dumpster) An ignominious end for for Father Christmas, huh.....Whoa.

 

BOOTH: Whoa, what?

 

(Hodgins emerges from the dumpster again, holding 3 wallets)

 

HODGINS: Whew. They were near the bottom. No cash. Just ID's and credit.

 

BOOTH: Probably dumped there by pick pockets.

 

HODGINS: Hey, you found cash in Kringle's apartment, right?

 

BOOTH: Right.

 

HODGINS: Maybe he picked one pocket too many.

 

(Booth holds out an evidence bag and Hodgins places the wallets into it)

 

BOOTH: Mhm. Well, we're gonna find out the owners and, uh, see if they know any Santa pick pockets.

 

(Booth starts backing away from the dumpster, down the alley)

 

HODGINS: Booth.

 

BOOTH: Yeah.

 

HODGINS: Ya help me outta here?

 

BOOTH: (continues walking) See ya later.

 

HODGINS: Booth! Booth. Oh come -

 

(Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth is sitting at a table with Parker. Brennan is seated at the counter.)

 

BOOTH: Vermont is gonna be great, buddy. Snowboarding – just like when we went to Liberty.

 

PARKER: Mom says it's better than Liberty.

 

BOOTH: Well, she's right.

 

PARKER: Can't you come?

 

BOOTH: Parker....

 

PARKER: If you tell mom that I don't wanna go, then we could spend Christmas together, like we always do.

 

(Brennan looks back at the two of them, Booth looks back.)

 

BOOTH: It's not gonna happen this year, buddy. When you get back, me and you will have our own Christmas – just the two of us.

 

PARKER: Without Captain Fantastic.

 

BOOTH: You know, we shouldn't call Brent, Captain Fantastic anymore.

 

PARKER: Why? You do.

 

BOOTH: Well, I won't anymore.

 

PARKER: But it's funny.

 

BOOTH: No. It's disrespectful and if your mom likes someone, then we should respect that and like them too.

 

BRENNAN: (interjecting) Is that true?

 

PARKER: You like Brent?

 

BOOTH: Yeah, I do...

 

BRENNAN: Wow.

 

BOOTH: Bones!

 

PARKER: Are you gonna be all alone at Christmas?

 

BOOTH: Me? Nah, I'm not gonna be alone. I'll be with Bones and all of our friends.

 

BRENNAN: I'm going to Peru.

 

BOOTH: See, we're all going to Peru.

 

PARKER: You're having Christmas in Africa?

 

BRENNAN: No, actually Peru is-

 

BOOTH: Is Africa. Isn't that right, Bones? Okay. I'm gonna be just fine so come on. Go wash up before your mom gets here to pick you up, alright? Come here, buddy.

 

(Parker hugs Booth)

 

PARKER: I love you.

 

(Brennan looks at Booth in disbelief.)

 

BOOTH: I love you too buddy. Go ahead.

 

BRENNAN: You liked A LOT to him.

 

BOOTH: It's the magic of Christmas, Bones.

 

(Cut to: FBI – Interrogation Room. Marty Moussa, a mall security guard, is seated at the table. Brennan is watching from the observation room. Booth enters)

 

BOOTH: So. You wanna tell me what happened?

 

MARTY: I just come out of the check cashing place and was off to do some Christmas shopping..

 

BOOTH: When you were mugged by Santa.

 

MARTY: Not mugged. It was just a bump as I was walking out of the place. I said excuse me, he ho, ho, ho'd and we went our separate ways.

 

BOOTH: So when did you realize your wallet was missing?

 

MARTY: An hour later, at the Price Co. I'm in the check out line, I'm going to pay and it's gone.

 

BOOTH: Naturally, you went back the next day and you beat the crap out of him.

 

MARTY: I asked for my wallet back. Santa plays all dumb and then it got physical. It was $900, man.

 

BOOTH: Mr. Moussa, there are hundreds of Santa's in the DC area this time of year.

 

MARTY: Come on. You and I are trained law enforcement officers. I got the right guy.

 

BOOTH: I mean, if it was him, he definitely deserved a beating.

 

MARTY: It was him. And he got off lucky because of my self control. This guy. He ruined Christmas.

 

BOOTH: Egyptians, they celebrate Christmas?

 

MARTY: I am not Muslim, Agent Booth. I am Coptic. Me, my wife, my children. We all celebrate Christmas..except for maybe not this year because this guy took my money.

 

BOOTH: And what did you do to him?

 

MARTY: Hit him. I'm not proud of that.

 

BOOTH: No pushing, no tussling?

 

MARTY: (shakes his head no.) Just bumped him one in the schnoz. That's it.

 

BOOTH: You didn't roll around in the alley?

 

MARTY: What alley? We were in front of a big, box store.

 

BOOTH: So you didn't mean to kill him. You just shoved him down that manhole.

 

MARTY: I – I knocked him down. The people – they don't know why, they don't understand. They looking – maybe they think I'm terrorist – so I get out of there.

 

BOOTH: Hmm. Right.

 

MARTY: Do I need a lawyer?

 

ACT IV

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Brennan is in her office hanging mistletoe when Booth arrives.)

 

BOOTH: Bones. Pay Pass Check Cashing confirms cashing Moussa's paycheck. The teller gave him $900. All crisp new 50's.

 

BRENNAN: (putting string on the mistletoe) And Kringle had new $50's in his dresser.

 

BOOTH: Yup and the serial numbers match.

 

BRENNAN: Suggesting Kringle is our pick pocket.

 

BOOTH: Mhm. So we're getting a warrant to analyze Moussa's clothing. (Brennan stands on a chair and attaches the mistletoe to the ceiling) If there's any Bird Soup goop on them, we'll know he's our killer...What is with the mistletoe?

 

BRENNAN: (sighs nervously while getting down off the chair.) I was gonna talk to you about this. Caroline wants us to kiss under the mistletoe.

 

BOOTH: What?!

 

BRENNAN: It's the only way she'll make Christmas for my family.

 

BOOTH: What? By having us kiss?

 

BRENNAN: Yes.

 

BOOTH: Why?

 

BRENNAN: Because she's feeling puckish.

 

BOOTH: Puckish? What's that mean?

 

BRENNAN: Listen, Booth! She's going to be here any second. Do you want some gum?

 

BOOTH: No, my breath is just fine. Alright, look. I'll have a - talk with Caroline.

 

BRENNAN: No.

 

BOOTH: No?

 

BRENNAN: I'm only telling you out of professional courtesy.

 

BOOTH: What?

 

BRENNAN: So that you won't be surprised.

 

BOOTH: Yeah, when you say kiss, you mean like kiss-kiss, like on both cheeks.

 

BRENNAN: No, the lips. Like brother and sister or colleagues. French people meeting on the street.

 

BOOTH: Caroline's feeling puckish, huh?

 

BRENNAN: It means playful and impish.

 

(Caroline enters)

 

CAROLINE: (to Booth) Congratulations. I hear you have a suspect in the Santa slaying.

 

BOOTH: Yeah. Well, it looks like the Easter Bunny has nothing to worry about.

 

BRENNAN: Did you talk to the judge about the trailer?

 

CAROLINE: Yes, I did. What about (she motions towards Booth) your end?

 

(Brennan points at the mistletoe.)

 

CAROLINE: Well, look at that. Mistletoe. (Booth starts to protest) You take a step to your right and you'll be right under the cute little sprig.

 

(Caroline watches them and raises an eyebrow, waiting for Brennan to follow through on her end of the deal. Booth incoherently tries to protest but Brennan doesn't give him much time before she leans in and kisses him, grabbing the lapels on his jacket. Caroline continues watching them but the kiss lasts longer and becomes more passionate than she had expected. When Brennan pulls back, they both appear to have been affect more than they thought as well. )

 

BRENNAN: (trying to regain her composure) Was that enough steamboats?

 

CAROLINE: (flabbergasted) Plenty. A whole flotilla.

 

BOOTH: I don't know what that means, but, um, Merry Christmas.

 

BRENNAN: It was like – kissing my brother.

 

CAROLINE: You sure must like your brother.

 

BOOTH: She does.

 

BRENNAN: I do.

 

BOOTH: She does.

 

CAROLINE: The trailers all arranged. You're good to go, cherie. Merry Christmas.

 

(She leaves, still flabbergasted. Booth and Brennan are still standing in the same place, not really able to look each other in the eye, quite yet.)

 

BRENNAN: I'm sure she feels really foolish right now.

 

BOOTH: Yeah. (awkward pause as they sneak a look at each other) Well, hey. I, um, I really should - I should get back and – see if, uh, the forensic guy has got – anything yet on Moussa's clothes-

 

BRENNAN: That's a good idea. Yeah, I got – stuff – to do too. Yeah.

 

BOOTH: Yeah.

 

BRENNAN: That - for – with bones.

 

BOOTH: (starts chewing gum) I – I understand completely. (He stops when he realizes he's chewing and takes the gum out of his mouth) Thanks for the gum. (He puts it back in his mouth and leaves)

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Hodgins desk.)

 

ANGELA: What are ya doing?

 

HODGINS: Hey. Some metallic flakes embedded in the bone. Trying to help Zack determine what kind of weapon was used.

 

ANGELA: You know, this is our first Christmas as a couple.

 

HODGINS: Aww. Too bad Santa’s dead.

 

ANGELA: I thought that we could make Christmas decorations for our tree. Is that too corny? It’s what my family did when I was little.

 

HODGINS: Oh.

 

ANGELA: And I always thought, you know, when I had my own family that – I’d carry on the tradition.

 

HODGINS: Are two people a family?

 

ANGELA: Isn’t that how every family starts?

 

HODGINS: Then I think us making decorations is just corny enough.

 

(He leans in and kisses her on the cheek)

 

(Cut to: Royal Diner – Night. Booth and Brennan are sitting, talking to Sweets, who is wearing an elf hat with huge ears.)

 

SWEETS: I don’t understand. Has there been some kind of crisis?

 

BRENNAN: Yes. I have a crisis.

 

BOOTH: Bones, it was just mistletoe.

 

BRENNAN: (in a half whisper to Booth) Not the kiss. That was nothing.

 

SWEETS: (surprised.) You kissed?

 

BOOTH: Mistletoe.

 

BRENNAN: That’s not the crisis.

 

SWEETS: Was there tongue?

 

BOOTH: Alright, you know what? Get your own sex life, alright Sweets.

 

BRENNAN: Well, that has nothing to do with sex.

 

BOOTH: Nothing.

 

BRENNAN: No.

 

BOOTH: There was no se- it was - mistletoe.

 

BRENNAN: Totally sex less.

 

SWEETS: I’m all ears.

 

(Brennan raises her eyebrow)

 

BOOTH: Just take your hat off there.

 

(Sweets removes his hat.)

 

BRENNAN: Booth, who is a very honest person, says that at this time of year, deception is necessary for the happiness of little children.

 

BOOTH: Now, I’m being misquoted.

 

SWEETS: Booth is absolutely right.

 

BOOTH: She got the gist.

 

SWEETS: Yeah, there’s a fictional element to Christmas.

 

BRENNAN: You mean the whole ‘birth of a Savior’ rigmarole?

 

BOOTH: It is NOT rigmarole.

 

SWEETS: No. No.

 

BRENNAN: How do you know?

 

SWEETS: Dr. Brennan. It’s the – the – uh, feeling of Christmas. What people call the Christmas spirit? It’s a kind of dream or hope that we carry with us from childhood. But as adults –

 

BOOTH: Are you including you in that?

 

SWEETS: (ignoring Booth) As adults, we’re imbued by the pragmatic routines of life, which makes it difficult for us to regard anything with child like wonder. But, you know, it’s alright for us to try. We put on silly hats and drape trees with sparkly lights and wrap gifts in garish paper and that’s good for us. It’s not only alright to allow children the transient experience of innocence and joy – it’s our responsibility.

 

BRENNAN: (finally understanding) Okay.

 

BOOTH: Okay?

 

BRENNAN: I found that very helpful.

 

BOOTH: (scoffs) What do you think I’ve been saying for the past four days?

 

(Cut to: Prison – Visitors room –Brennan is visiting again with Russ.)

 

RUSS: You’re gonna help me lie to the girls?

 

BRENNAN: Well, apparently, it’s not morally wrong to lie at Christmas.

 

RUSS: What if they know I’m lying.

 

BRENNAN: Well, apparently, sometimes – lying is a kind of gift. I’m hazy on the rules, but the idea is even if they know you’re lying - they know you’re doing it out of love.

 

RUSS: Where are you getting this? Because I’m in jail, and I’m getting better advice.

 

BRENNAN: Look, Russ. We have a plan. I bring you some civilian clothes, the girls think you popped in from Addis Ababa-

 

RUSS: Addis Ababa?

 

BRENNAN: Well, what did you and Amy tell them?

 

RUSS: We said I went to Burma.

 

BRENNAN: Burma?

 

RUSS: Who cares where we chose? Burma’s on the other side of the world.

 

BRENNAN: Russ! Burma doesn’t even exist anymore!

 

RUSS: What happened to it?

 

BRENNAN: Well, It became Myanmar. There’s another problem with the trailer. No Christmas tree.

 

RUSS: Why?

 

BRENNAN: Shank material. Is it important?

 

RUSS: Christmas? With no tree? It’s a disaster. Forget it.

 

BRENNAN: They’re young, Russ. They believe in Santa Claus. They believe in you because you love them and they’ll sit on your lap and they’ll open their presents and they’ll believe in you and Burma, and – and maybe they won’t notice that there’s no tree. Look, Amy will be there. Dad will be there. The girls will be there.

 

RUSS: And you.

 

BRENNAN: I was going to, but we’re not the only people getting the trailer and I thought it would be in the afternoon, but now it’s Christmas Eve and I gotta be on that plane.

 

RUSS: To Peru.

 

BRENNAN: Yeah.

 

RUSS: Tempe. Dad wants us all. I mean, you’re one of us.

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Platform.)

 

CAM: You found what killed Kris Kringle?

 

HODGINS: We know what it was made of.

 

ZACK: And we know that shape.

 

(They pull of the fracture on the screen)

 

CAM: Something crescent shaped and brass.

 

ZACK: I couldn't find anything this shape, but by making a slight paradigm shift -

 

HODGINS: Paradigm shift was my idea.

 

ZACK: And slightly change the angle-

 

CAM: A circle, not a crescent.

 

ZACK: I believe the mark left on left on Kris Kringle's skull was the result of being stuck with a circular object, approximately 15cm in diameter.

 

HODGINS: 6 inches.

 

CAM: A bell. A brass bell.

 

ZACK: Meaning he was probably attacked by another Santa.

 

(Cut to: Temp Time Employment Agency. All the Santa's are gathered.)

 

DALE: Everybody have your bells?

 

(The Santa's all ring their bells in unison.)

 

BOOTH: Alright, alright. Enough! Stop! (They all stop ringing the bells) You can tell the elves they can go now.

 

DALE: Elves, go for coffee.

 

RANDOM ELF #1: See you later.

 

RANDOM ELF #2: Alright you heard him.

 

RANDOM ELF #3: Excuse me! Watch it.

 

DALE: What's the use of elves without Santa.

 

BRENNAN: Those bells are all the same.

 

DALE: Yeah, I buy 'em in bulk. I sell them to the Santa's for cost.

 

BOOTH: That Kris's idea?

 

DALE: Yeah, how did you know?

 

BOOTH: Just getting a feel for the guy. Listen, we have a warrant here to inspect your bells.

 

SANTA LARRY: Inspect our what?

 

SANTA JEFF: Bells, Larry.

 

SANTA FRED: Uh, why?

 

BRENNAN: Agent Booth and I are going to swab each of your bells with a cotton ball soaked in phenothalene.

 

SANTA LARRY: Is it gonna sting?

 

SANTA CHUNG: Bells, Larry. She said “bells”.

 

DALE: You need a hearing aid, Larry.

 

SANTA FRED: Why are you antisepticizing our bells?

 

(They get to Santa Jeff and he lowers his bell)

 

BOOTH: Whoa. Ho, ho, ho. Steady there Santa.

 

SANTA JEFF: Why do you need a warrant to disinfect a bell?

 

BOOTH: What's the matter there, Santa?

 

SANTA JEFF: They're looking for something and they're not telling us.

 

DALE: Look, I read the warrant. It's the law.

 

(The other Santa's start to get on Santa Jeff to let Brennan swab the bell)

 

BRENNAN: Come on, give us your bell.

 

SANTA JEFF: No.

 

BOOTH: Listen, buddy. I'm not gonna see my son for Christmas this year. So I'm a little annoyed with Christmas and everything that comes along with it, so give the lady the bell.

 

RANDOM SANTAS: Give him a break. Give them the bell. Come on. Go ahead.

 

(He puts up his bell)

 

BOOTH: Thank you.

 

BRENNAN: The brass plating on this bells chipped.

 

(Brennan swabs the bell and it comes up positive for blood)

 

BOOTH: Oh, ho. Look at that. Okay, Santa. You're under arrest for murder.

 

SANTA JEFF: What?

 

BRENNAN: This bell, is the weapon that killed Kris Kringle.

 

SANTA JEFF: No. No, no, no. I didn't kill Kris. Come one guys! We switch bells all the time.

 

DALE: Now that's true.

 

SANTA LARRY: All, all of our bells are identical, you know. We put one down and then we just pick up another.

 

BOOTH: Okay, just hold on to your bells there for a second. (to Brennan) Now, any - any ideas?

 

BRENNAN: No.

 

BOOTH: Come on. Think, Bones. Paint the picture. It's gotta be one of these guys. I mean half of these guys owe Kringle the money.

 

BRENNAN: One of them's a pick pocket.

 

BOOTH: Ah, gets money from the Egyptian.

 

SANTA LARRY: Look, eh, can we go?

 

BOOTH: Cool your jets, Santa. Go have a cookie and some eggnog. (back to Brennan) Kringle gets suspicious, he catches the pick pocketer dumping the wallet in the dumpster. Confronts him.

 

BRENNAN: We have to sniff their behinds.

 

BOOTH: We have to sniff – you lost me there.

 

BRENNAN: (yelling, at the Santa's) Alright, everybody up against the wall!

 

(The Santa's start to mumble. There IS no space for them up against the wall)

 

BRENNAN: Or, okay. Put your hands on the table.

 

BOOTH: First of all, that's my job and second, why?

 

BRENNAN: They fought. They rolled around through the Birds Nest Soup goop.

 

BOOTH: Riiight.

 

BRENNAN: Yeah.

 

BOOTH: Good thinking.

 

BRENNAN: Thank you.

 

BOOTH: That's good, except for the sniffing their butts thing.

 

(They had back to the line of Santa's)

 

BRENNAN: Okay, you start over there. I'll start here.

 

DALE: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're gonna sniff my guys?

 

(Brennan starts sniffing the Santa's rear ends)

 

BOOTH: Ugh. (He leans down and sniffs one of the Santa's) Geez. Alright, this is officially the worst Christmas ever.

 

(They both continue down the line, sniffing each Santa. Right before they get to Santa Jeff, he turns around.)

 

SANTA JEFF: Don't you need a warrant for this?

 

BOOTH: Hey, pal. Why don't you just be quiet.

 

BRENNAN: Turn around.

 

BOOTH: Yeah.

 

(They both lean down and sniff his behind. Then in unison-)

 

BOOTH: Bird's Nest Soup.

BRENNAN: Bird's Nest Soup.

 

DALE: It's Jeff! He killed Kris!

 

(SANTA JEFF makes a run for it, but doesn't get very far as the rest of the Santa's pile on top of him)

 

BRENNAN: Whoa. Whoa! Aren't you gonna pull them off?

 

BOOTH: Fine. Watch this. (he grabs the bell and starts ringing it.) Hey! How you like it now, Santa's!

 

BRENNAN: (to the Santa's) Get off of him. Everybody off!

 

BOOTH: On your feet, you're under arrest. Let's go.

 

SANTA LARRY: That man is a disgrace to his uniform!

 

(Santa Larry starts singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. All the other Santa’s begin to join in, pointing at Santa Jeff – all of a sudden, the song has become a threat. Brennan and Booth exchange looks. These guys are amusing but a little scary.)

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Conference Area – Night. The music has morphed into the Peggy Lee version of the song. Brennan, Hodgins, Angela, Zack and Cam are all sitting around exchanging gifts and laughing.)

 

(Cut to: Conjugal Visit Trailer – Night. Max is lead into to the trailer by a guard, who removes his handcuffs. Max looks around, it’s bleak. Nothing about it says Christmas.)

 

(Cut to: FBI – Conference Room. Marty Moussa is standing by the table as Booth enters, handing him an envelope that contains the $900 that was stolen from him. He gives Booth a hug to show his gratitude.)

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Conference Area – Night. Brennan, Hodgins, Angela, Zack and Cam are all sitting on the couch – smiling at the camera – taking a group picture. )

 

(Cut to: Trailer – Max is seated on the bed when the door opens and Amy arrives with Emma, Hayley with bags and presents in hand. Max stands up to greet them. This is the first time he’s is meeting them.)

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Conference Area – Night. Everyone is hugging and kissing each other goodbye.)

 

(Cut to: FBI – Booth’s Office. Booth is sitting at his desk when a cop appears in his doorway with Parker. He runs to his dad and gives him a big hug)

 

(Cut to: Trailer – Emma takes out a banner that says “MERRY CHRISTMAS” and Max uses gum to hang it up. The girls climb on the couch to help him hang it.)

 

(Cut to: Medico Legal Lab – Conference Area. Everyone is now gone, except for Brennan. She picks up her bag , pulls out her tickets and passport and contemplates whether or not she should go to Peru.)

 

(Cut to: FBI – Booth’s Office. Booth is on the phone with Rebecca and Parker is sitting on his lap, playing with his credentials.)

 

BOOTH: (into the phone.) He’s fine, Rebecca. No. Just listen. I will get him back to you in time, tomorrow, before you leave for Vermont.

 

PARKER: I hate Vermont.

 

BOOTH: No, I didn’t tell him to say that. (he pauses) He didn’t have to find the FBI. He just – went up to a cop on the street, told him he was lost and said that his dad works at the FBI.

 

(Booth hugs Parker and they smile at each other)

 

(Cut to: Trailer – The girls and Max are hanging another banner when Russ shows up – wearing civilian clothes. Amy runs over to him and tucks his tag into his shirt. When the girls realize he’s there, they run over and hug him. The door opens again, and Brennan walks in. She decided to come have Christmas with her family after all. Her dad smiles. He got the only Christmas present he wanted – Christmas with his family again.)

 

(Cut to: FBI – Booth’s Office. Booth is helping his son put his jacket on.)

 

BOOTH: Come on. In you go. That's it. Okay, buddy, here's the deal We get to spend Christmas day together, then I gotta take you to Vermont. Understand?

 

PARKER: Okay. Will you miss Africa?

 

BOOTH: Africa? No. I rather spend time with you. (he gives Parker a hug)

 

PARKER: Do we got a tree?

 

BOOTH: We got two trees!

 

PARKER: Two trees?

 

BOOTH: Two! (they touch knuckles)

 

PARKER: Why?

 

BOOTH: Come on. I'll show you. Come on.

 

(They leave the office)

 

(Cut to: Trailer. Russ, Amy & the girls are playing with their gifts as Brennan looks on from the couch.)

 

MAX: Here. (he sits next to Brennan) I want you to try this, honey.

 

BRENNAN: (nods towards Russ, Amy & the girls) Are they having fun?

 

MAX: (he hands her a cup) What are you talking about? Of course they are. And by the way, this is the best Christmas that I've had in sixteen years.

 

BRENNAN: Me too.

 

(Brennan's phone rings. She takes a sip from the cup as she answers it. Apparently, it doesn't taste all that good and her face reflects it.)

 

BRENNAN: (disgusted) Oh my god.

 

BOOTH: (on the phone) What's wrong?

 

BRENNAN: (still on the phone but to her father) What is this?

 

MAX: Just a little good cheer I made under the mattress.

 

BRENNAN: Ugh. (then into phone) Booth?

 

BOOTH: Bones, hey! Good news. Turns out I got Parker for Christmas after all.

 

BRENNAN: Christmas magic, right?

 

BOOTH: Hey, so we figured we call and uh, wish you a little, uh, Yuletide cheer.

 

(He puts the phone to Parkers ear)

 

PARKER: (into the phone) Merry Christmas, Bones!

 

BRENNAN: Thanks, Parker!

 

MAX: Hey, if that's Booth you wish him Merry Christmas from me, will ya?

 

BRENNAN: (into phone) My dad says “Merry Christmas”.

 

BOOTH: Hey, listen, Bones – uh – I got a little something for ya.

 

BRENNAN: Oh, I got you something too. We can, uh, exchange gifts in a couple days.

 

BOOTH: Go to the window and open up the blinds, now.

 

BRENNAN: What?

 

(Brennan goes to the window and opens the blinds. She sees Booth & Parker, standing by Booth's car, with a Christmas Tree – all lit up. They wave at her and she waves back.)

 

BRENNAN: (to her family) Hey! Everybody, it looks like we got our tree, after all.

 

EMMA: What? A tree?

 

HAYLEY: Oh my gosh. So exciting!

 

PARKER: (waves) Merry Christmas!

 

BRENNAN:(into the phone) I love my gift, Booth.

 

BOOTH:(into the phone) Merry Christmas, Bones.

 

(In the back ground you hear Emma and Hayley exclaim "This is the best Christmas ever!")

 

END

 

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